Political Ads - rewrite 1

The gloves are off in the presidential race to the White House. The blows have been brutal but just because they’re hard hitting doesn’t necessarily mean they’re factual. The runners in the race are Senator John McCain for the Republicans and Senator Barack Obama for the Democrats. Like a relay race certain issues are handed off to one another, which I certainly think will be the case when President George W. Bush finishes his leg and maybe hands his baton over to Senator McCain. However if Senator Obama is elected President of the United States of America he promises to bring “change” into his leg of the lap, leaving many citizen’s of the country to ask “change” to what? In watching Senator Obama’s Official campaign ad the “Country I Love”, we realize just how vague politicians and their writers can be and still sway voters. What exactly are the signs of deception we should look for? The signs that we are used to come in all different shapes and sizes, colors and lights, but these signs are much more subtle, hence, much more dangerous as Jackson and Jamieson write about in their book Unspun: finding facts in a world of [disinformation].

For instance, in Senator Obama’s campaign ad he talks about strong families and strong values while being cradled in the arms of his Caucasian mother, which may be a ploy to you saying, “root for my side”, the side that is clearly of both colors, both races, both sexes. It’s probable that he wants us to feel safe and comfortable and secure like in the loving arms of a doting mother. While the picture of him and his mother is shown he reads that he grew up in Kansas where he was taught “Kansas values”. I’m not sure exactly what Kansas values are, and I’m sure that most everyone else doesn’t either, but I wonder if he was instilled the value of being taught Spanish like he wants today’s children to learn to accommodate the growing legal and illegal Hispanic community as he said during one of his rallies a few days ago?

His next presidential goal is as old as the bible; treat your neighbors as you would want to be treated. I guess the following woman didn’t get that memo, or was it blown way out of proportion? According to a story in the Chicago Sun-Times dated April 8th, 2008, Linda Ramirez-Sliwinski, a Hispanic woman who was an elected Obama delegate, was asked by his campaign to step down from her delegator position due to a comment she had made to her and her neighbor’s children on her neighbor’s land. Linda stepped over to her neighbor’s property to tell the children to “stop acting like little monkeys” in the tree where they had built a tree-house to play in. Overhearing this comment being made the neighbors children's mother, a female African American, complained of Linda using a racial slur in regards to the “monkey” comment. Linda was asked to step down from her official position due to her remarks being “divisive and unacceptable.” Is this the “frame it and claim it” (46) type of policy decision that will be made during his term? What is the next step? Will we still, as Americans, be able to say something that’s eating bananas in the forest, scratching his armpits, and eating lice of his buddies head, is a “monkey”?

Obama’s ad campaign includes “the literally true falsehood” (58) in an almost perfect scenario, this deception tactic is defined as “…words that are deceptive without being strictly, technically false” (58). A claim that Obama makes in his ad is that he took loans out and worked to support himself and pay his way through college. Slightly true, but true none the less, Obama shares in his self-proclaimed biography “Dreams From My Father” that he worked two jobs during his time at college; one at a construction site and the other at a large Chicago law office. This was confirmed when a representative of www.factcheck.org asked Tommy Vietor, an official Obama spokesman, and he agreed with that the employment information in the biography was indeed, correct. Another “literally true falsehood” (58) is brought to light when Obama talks in his ad about refusing offers of a job on Wall Street to help “neighborhoods devastated when steel plants closed.” This is also a partial-truth, Howard Kurtz from the Washington Post writes “Obama may have turned down Wall Street jobs after graduating from Columbia University in 1983, but he spent a year working from Business International Corporation in New York before becoming a community organizer in Chicago”.
Obama narrates in his ad about creating and passing a bill to generate “extended healthcare for wounded veterans”, but according to www.wisegop.org , a Wisconsin Republican Party website, “Obama missed the vote on the legislation…which passed the Senate with an Overwhelming Bipartisan Majority.” Another bill he actually did put through as Chief Co-Sponsor with Senator Hilary Clinton in May of 1997 was the bill “moving people from welfare to work”. Not longer after it’s passing, says the Wisconsin website, he proclaimed “I’m not a defender of the status quo with respect to welfare. Having said that, I probably would not have supported the federal legislation, because I think it had some problems.” He brags today, in his campaign ad, about passing this particular bill.

The ad ends with Obama’s voice, in a rich soothing tone, telling his viewers that he should be President because he “never forgot those values” and that he “approved this message”. What message did he approve though, the message that you were supposed to believe, or the real truth? Would it be better to be ignorant in your bliss, believing the old adage “what you don’t know won’t kill you?” Or would knowing the whole truth make any difference considering that most of us already have are mind made up anyway? Which brings me to my next point:

I learned some truth about myself when getting to those real truths about Obama. I realized that I am, indeed, a cross between a “moon bat” and a “psychotic deceiver” (69). I will now refer to my ideals, opinions, and self as a “psychotic bat”, understanding that I have fallen into the deceptive trap of “sacrificing sanity for the sake of consistency” and “seeking out weak evidence to support…existing beliefs, and…ignore evidence that undercuts those beliefs” (69). I recognized that I have become extremely close-minded in reference to my political preference of candidates until, during my research, I saw all the extremely positive changes in policy that Senator Obama had tried to pass that had just died in Congress without anyone even knowing, or was I just not paying attention? Should it be the Presidential candidate the country should be so focused on, or should it be the people that prevent their great ideas from ever being born?

to mary

Mary,

I haven't read the other comments, but there are a few concerns to address in the introduction. First, when introducing Jackson and Jamieson, use their full name on the first mention. With Obama and McCain, their title of Senator should also be used the first time, which you did. I'm not seeing a passage from the text to set up the thesis, so be sure to include that. Use the passage to set up the thesis regarding the video. This will give the essay a clearer direction by letting your reader know where they are headed. It also creates a clear context in which to explain the value of each of the support paragraphs, while simultaneously providing a point to drive home in the conclusion. Also, no first person "I." Coming back to the thesis, it seems it could be the statement about how vague statements can be that we still buy into. If so, make it clear why that matters, why we should care in general about such gullibility or lack of thoughtful response.

What I suggest for the response is not to build off a different passage from the text for each point, though that can work. The problem is that it points the essay and analysis in a different direction with each paragraph. Instead, build the essay on the savvy voter criteria. It seems the first point is that he is a normal guy, just like us. Since lots of people have divorced parents, and more and more are mixed race, that's got a ring of truth to it. But you are right about "what are Kansas values?" Supposedly the mid-west is harder working than us west/left coast slackers and hedonists, though we're not quite so pious as the folks from the Bible belt. Still, to make the point work, open with some mention that he is promoting a certain candidate mythology. Name that candidate mythology as friend/regular Joe, explain why a mythology like that matters in an election (such as lots of people voted for now Pres. Bush because he seemed the better guy to have a beer with than did Kerry--not the best reason to vote for someone, but that's how some voters think). Then give the examples from the video that make Obama a regular Joe, then explain why they distort who he really is and why it matters that we pay attention to such a distortion.

This is the general approach you want to take with each paragraph: topic statement about point to be addressed, explanation as to why the point matters, examples to illustrate the point and some explanation tying it all back to the thesis.

Also, be careful about taking some of Obama's comments out of context, as it seems the Wisconsin site is doing. It's literally true he said these things (I just read an article in the New Yorker, the one with "the cover" that's been in the news, where both were mentioned) but it sounds like the Wisconsin site is giving us literally true falsehoods in this regard. The reason he was concerned about the welfare to work bill is that there were not enough job vacancies to serve all those who would be moved off welfare and put to work, if there were work to put them to. I'm guessing the Wisconsin folks neglected to put that in there. Maybe you can work with that site for the next assignment, which is a web site analysis.

Bradley

thank for your suggestions!

I really think that the suggestions you all made were very helpful and I think I pretty much did almost everything that you suggested. I think the corrections were spot on. Thank you.

Mary B

INTRO: Great start. The

INTRO: Great start. The sentence “which I certainly think will be the case” doesn’t quite fit. A reference to Unspun, the chapter, and authors should probably be added before your thesis. Your thesis is slightly awkward, so you might consider rewording it and/or making it a tad shorter.

DEVELOPMENT OF BODY: The first body paragraph refers back to the topic sentence and thesis except for the part about teaching Spanish. I’m not sure where you are going with that. You might want to break the first sentence into two. Does the “root for my side” need to be cited?
In the second body paragraph, I understand your topic sentence, but wonder if the first part could be worded clearer and relate it back to the thesis.
In body paragraph three, he information was presented was a little confusing. Maybe you could rearrange it to make it clearer.

CONCLUSION: I am amused by the “psychotic bat.” You bring up positive changes that Obama tried to pass. A short list or summary of those would be useful.

CONVENTIONS: I have a question. I was taught to put punctuation inside of quotation marks and have looked through English grammar books for a definitive answer. I can’t find anything to the contrary, but have noticed a few students put the periods, commas, etc. after the quotation marks. I was wondering if you knew the rules for that? Thanks for your help.

Intro:I liked your first

Intro:I liked your first couple of sentences-it was catchy, but later when your talking about Bush handing over his baton to Obamam I think the analogy would have been better if you stuck w/ boxing, maybe. I don't understand what the "leg" thing is, but maybe that's just me.

Thesis/Main Point: Hmm, thesis could be a bit better, maybe "The signs that we......more subtle influencing voter's into believing vague statements that will ultimatly have an affect on who they vote for".

Conclusion: I think your last sentence needs to tie in more w/ you thesis, but the rest of the conclusion was good. :)

Devel. of Ideas: Good, flowed well.

Organization: Good-I love the ending to your third paragraph, funny. Maybe work on making the paragraghs flow from one to the other a bit better.

Word structure:The leg thing in the first paragragh, in the beginning of the second paragragh instead of (Barack Obama), just put "in Obama's ad", and the very beginning of parag. 3 "The next presidential want is.." sounds funny to me. Maybe just say "Obama wants..."

C.o.s.a.e: I tried to go to the second web cite you provided but couldn't? Did it get transferred right? Oh and don't forget to list your cites at the bottom including the Obama Video w/ a link to get to it.

Response to ass: Good

Approp. topic:Good -- Overall good job, hope that helps.

-Jackie

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