chapter 4 melissa h. rough draft
Choice of Focus
Many people in prison are released like a time bomb ready to explode. Education is lacking, and many people leave only to walk the same path that walked them in the doors of prison to start. Chapter four in John Stuart Mills On Liberty and The Subjection of Women discusses the topic of each person’s individual rights. Mill believes that each person should choose for their own life. As long as people take care of their obligations and are not harming others. No one should interfere with the way another chooses to live. “Human beings owe it to each other to help distinguish the better from the worse, and encouragement to choose the former and avoid the later” (Mill 86). If people allow others to live in a way that works for them, then there will be more reason and energy to focus on the big problems that need attention.
A very big issue in our jails and prisons today is going un-addressed. 70 percent of all men in prison for a sex crime were men whose victim was a child. Releasing a sex offender is a huge risk to our children and society. Victims of rape and other sex crimes often live their life with little or no support to recover from the trauma. While the offender gets little time then is released to offend again, the victim spends their whole life trying to overcome the abuse. The pain, fear and confusion are more than anyone needs to experience. 3.5 percent of men who are released are reconvicted for a sex crime within a 3-year follow-up period. For 85 percent of sex offenders that are released are arrested for another sex crime, the arrest of the next occurrence is usually in the same state that released them. Given this information, it seems entirely absurd to me that a sex offender would be released after traumatizing someone’s life. The majority of society does not believe these people will ever change. It has been proven that they won’t.
On the flip side, our prisons are full of people who have been arrested for selling marijuana. Sentences these people receive is often far more than necessary. The movies play a part in the glamour of the drug life. Children are influenced from an early age that “drugs are cool”. This is a battle lots of parents face when teaching their children not to do drug’s. A person convicted of a drug crime may better benefit from drug counseling and job training than a harsh jail sentence. Jail and prison space could be better used for offenders of more serious crimes, like rape and child molestation.
As a parent, I would much rather live next door to a drug dealer than a sex offender. Neither is choice I would choose though. Our laws are not set up to protect the people they are set up to make money. If the sex offenders are released, and the jails tell us they did not have enough money to keep them in, then people are more inclined to choose that their tax money goes to funding jails and prisons. Will this really help?
If people constantly focus on minor differences between each other than the focus on the big issues is pushed aside. It’s time to except decent people for who they are and let them live their lives in peace. We as a human race need to teach defend and protect each other and our children to create a strong, safe environment. Instead of worrying about the sex offenders in our towns and neighborhoods, we should rest easily knowing they are receiving a sentence that will never allow them to re-offend. Life in prison or the death is not too harsh for a person who traumatizes the lives of the young, weak and helpless.
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sex offenders
The first concern is to work the claim about sex offenders into the thesis. Don't wait until the body of the essay to lay out the argument. Do that with the introduction.
In the body of the essay, present the information that justifies continuing to jail sex offenders. Develop each of those points in a paragraph of its own. If it's about recidivism, then make that one point/paragraph. If it's about the long-term damage of sex crimes, make that a point/paragraph, and so on until the argument is developed. The opposing view, I think can come, at least in part, from Mill. The notion that one has served their debt to society by fulfilling the terms of their sentence, means they should be free. It's unconstitutional to lock people up for what they might do. And if it's only 3.5 percent who reoffend within three years, why subject the other 96.5 percent to such sanctions? I'm not sure how you refute or rebut that, but you'll want to come up with something.
Also, keep in mind that unless the issue is prison over-crowding, the mention of drug dealers doesn't fit well with the argument. The opposing view and its refutation should directly address the issue at hand, civil commitment for sex offenders after they have fulfilled their sentence, or mandatory life terms for all sex offenses. Either way, keep the argument, it's opposing view, and the refutation/rebuttal all on the same idea--sex offenders. Bradley
Rich's response to Melissa's argument
Melissa,
Bradley told me that you wanted me to respond to your essay, so here goes...
Intro: I know what you are trying to say,but it could be more to the point. Take a look at your conclusion, which is very good, take those words and pump those into your intro. I would also change the title of the paper to something to do with child molesters.Like Child Molesters-Life Sentences Mandatory, something like that would grab your attention.
Thesis:It is easy to pick out your thesis statement. Good Job! The question that I have is, is that the focus or the fact that molesters should never see the light of day the focus? Just wondering.
Developement: As far as developement, you did a nice job. The essay could probably use another paragraph to develope your thought fully, I like your use of statistics to bring home the point though.
Wording:Good job on your wording and sentence structure, I only found a couple of words that were misplaced, if you reread your essay you will pick them right out.
Adequacy: Very adequate job of responding to the assignment, overall your point is clearly discernable, but I think you need to expand on your original thought. Add a paragraph or two to bring home your argument. If you want, give me a call and we could go over it at lunch. 294-5223
response
Introduction- good gave mill's name and the title of the book, a quote and a background on what you are writing your essay on.
Essay focus- good, you just need to add the opposing sides views
development- your paragraphs give specific examples
organization- seems organized with good flow
wording- looks good to me
adequacy of response to assignment- good just need to add more to your paper
Appropriateness of topic treatment for college reading audience- good topic
repsonse
intro- I think you have a good start with your intro, you mention Mill and tie him in into your topic of prisons. I'm just not sure what your thesis is
thesis- Like i said not really sure what it is
development of ideas- You have a nice start but you could use more details. Maybe look up someone who was released and then locked up again. Also make sure you cite your source of the facts you have
orgainzation- Your paper reads good and you address the issue each paragraph will be about, but you could ad more to each paragraph to really make your point.
wording/conventions- There are a few convetnion errors here and there. And some of your wording is a bit confusing like your second sentence where you say "the same path that walked them..."
adequacy of response- You chose a good topic to write on and make a good arguement and you mention how other people get far too long of sentences
appropriateness of topic- I think you chose i really good topic that does need to be addressed. You provide facts for your arguement that are very interesting