LynLee's Essay 2
Draft 1: Essay 2
Modern Americans have no idea what they are consuming on a daily basis. The food industry in America is no longer focused on producing healthy, nutritional foods. The focus has been shifted to producing the highest magnitude of a product at the smallest price. The issue is now quantity instead of quality. In The Jungle, by Upton Sinclair, there is a similar attitude towards the production of food. “Every Spring they did it; and in these barrels would be dirt and rust and old nails and stale water- and cart load after cart load of it would be taken up and dumped into the hoppers with fresh meat, and sent out to the public’s breakfast.” (Sinclair, 1906) The issue of America’s food industry is brought to the people’s attention through the full length documentary, Food Inc. The trailer for this film gives an inside look at what the movie uncovers about the unhealthy practices that go on during food production. This video shows that the problems with food productions did not end in the early 1900’s as many people believe they did.
There are three main background locations for this clip. They are factories, grocery stores, and farms. These locations are key to this video because the main point is that grocery stores are no longer suppliers of farm-grown goods. The grocery stores are selling goods that have been produced in factories.
In this video the most effective props are the animals that are processed into meat by the factories. They are successful as support for the argument being made because they give an idea of innocence. People feel more sympathy towards living animals than towards the meat they eat. The idea of these animals being butchered at the farm in which they were raised is a more tolerable form of killing, opposed to an assembly line of cows being killed at a rate of nearly 300 cows per hour.
There are distinct emotions of the faces of the people in this video. The main three are of the nutritionists, the factory owners, and the farmers. The faces of the nutritionists are sympathetic and worried. They seem extremely concerned about the health of America. This is effective because they are baring the bad news, and need to be sensitive to the people that this message is affecting. The factory owners aren’t really shown for a long period of time. This is also effective because it shows that they don’t have the time to speak on the issue. This makes the audience think that they are only interested in making money and not in the welfare of the citizens they are feeding. The farmers’ faces are caring and friendly. This gives the idea that they are working for the people of America and that they care. They are happy, with soft expressions. The audience can relate to them and feels a recognizable familiarity towards the farmers.
The main appeal for this video is that American food production has become more about money and the amount of food than about the quality. The aim of the clip is to show the audience that the farmers are on their side, and that they care about their wellbeing. The message is also that Americans are the ones that get to choose what they buy and that they are the ones that can make a change in the food productions process.
The music in this clip controls which side the audience is supposed to take. It does this in the undertones it takes during certain points of the video. During the scenes with the farming perspective is small town, and western sounding. During these parts of the clip the music is familiar and gives a relatable sound to the farms. In the scenes with the factories the music is high paced, and menacing. It shows the audience that the factories are the “bad guys” without coming right out and stating it. In the grocery stores the background music is quiet and mysterious. It gives the idea that the shoppers don’t know something. This alludes to the fact that they really don’t know what they are purchasing.
Once again, there are three main groups that the clothing in the short film represents. First, are the factory owners. These men are dressed in suits and are carrying briefcases. This shows that they are all business and no sympathy. They are not relatable and seem cold. Next are the famers, who are dressed in the traditional blue jeans and button-up shirts. They are dressed in a way that depicts them as farmers which once again is reassuring that the audience has seen them before. Lastly are the supermarket shoppers. These people are dressed like everyday people. This is done this way to show that the shoppers in the grocery stores are everyday people. The customers in the stores could be the audience the video is trying to reach.
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response for lynlee
intro- i think that the intro is very good i see the connection with the video to the book and the springboard passage in the intro as well. i think that the thesis is "This video shows that the problems with food productions did not end in the early 1900’s as many people believe they did" but i am not positive. I am giving this intro a 3 but i think that you can make your thesis a little more clear.
Essay focus and development of ideas- i think that you have good concept of ideas and hit a lot of the points from the voter savvy criteria but i think that in the 1st paragraph you could elaborate more on why background is important. i would also give a better example of clothing as well and why it matters. i think though overall you did well and i would give this one a 3 as well.
conclusion- i think that you kind of some up your paper in the end but you are missing the why this matters point. also i do not see a clear relationship back to the thesis and i would also tie it back to the book in the conlusion. i dont think its required but i think it could help your paper but for missin the tie back to thesis point and why it matters i would give this conclusion a 2.5 its there but not all the way there
organize and structure- i think that you could re adjust these paragraphs from strongest to weakest or visa versa but i would arrange them in some type of order. I also think that you have some real short paragraphs then some real long ones i would add some more info to the short ones to beef them up a little bit.
Sentencing and conventions- i combined these two as well i think you did well with your sentence structure but i think that you had a few misspelled words in there. You misspelled farmers in the conclusion paragraph and put famers and i think that you mis cited the springboard in the begining maybe you just put the wrong page number down. i would reread your paper again to ensure that you didnt misspell any more words that maybe spell check might have missed i still think you did well and would give this a 3
Adequency of response- i think that you did well in following the guidlines for the assignment. you stayed within the scheme of the paper outline and produced a well written paper i would give this a 3.5 just because i think that you could have structured your paragraphs in an order like strong to weak and you are also missing a title
Appropriate for college- i think that you didnt dumb down the sentencing to try to reach out to a child. its obviouse that you knew who your audiance was going to be and wrote a paper appropriate for them with out offending any of them that is why i am givin you a 4 for this section
Victor's Response for LynLee
LynLee, In response to your essay, I noticed that the introduction had some elements in it that read like what would be seen in a response. I would suggest presenting the topic as an idea to be addressed and use statements and opinions in the response area.The into does a good job leading into the springboard and the video with a hint at the thesis point. I would have liked to see a single sentence in the first paragraph stating the main point more clearly though. The structure of the essay clearly follows the PBS savvy voter format but could be done in a more suttle way. Each paragraph had good descriptions of the video and related well to the topic. I like how you added a description giving the reader a sense of personal connection to the workers. Your sentences read well with good spelling and grammar. I would have liked to see a better response. Some examples in the description of your video created a connection to the reader but I did not see any of that in a response. I would also re-word and repeat you thesis statement more clearly.