bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

I've caught up, if today were yesterday anyway, then I'd be caught up with the word count. So far, I think what I've done sucks. It might be a little better than that, but not much. I think I'm not creating clear voices for each character, but since this is a first draft, a rough-rough-rough-rough draft, I'm okay with that. Every now and again, a semblance of a plot line creeps into my mind, and promptly creeps out again, but I'm also okay with just getting some sense of the primary characters down. Little by little, bit by bit, I'll slog on and see what happens. Today's bit follows:

November 12, 2005

Grace,

I just got off the phone with my father, the man who doesn’t want to talk to me, unless it can be on his terms. It’s always on his terms. The man makes me crazy. Everything has to be on his terms. He doesn’t want contact with me, but he calls me to tell me so. He writes me, tells me that email or letters are fine, but ends up making some remark about how I don’t have to open either, but of course I can’t get the comment unless I open the note. What could he be thinking?

On the phone, as usual, he had to rehash ancient history, bringing up the failings of Marion. It seems like he’s so worried about his failings being exposed that he has to keep the focus on the failings of anyone and everyone else. I don’t know if he’ll ever take responsibility for himself and the role he’s played. I told him, when he asked for an example, that one of things he’d done that was hurtful was to ask Marion to not sit near him during our wedding, that she should sit on your family’s and friends, the bride’s side of the aisle. What sort of callous idiot would do that sort of thing? Admittedly they hadn’t seen either other for years, probably since their divorce when I was just two, but come on,

If that was the only thing, then it wouldn’t be such a big deal, but that’s the tip of the iceberg. I know I shouldn’t take it personally, because he’s the problem here, but when he gives Roddy everything and me just about nothing, it just grates on my nerves. Roddy goes away to school, drops out after one semester, moves home, they buy him a house, he leaves that behind to go to school in another state, never graduates, comes home and they buy him a coffee shop. But when I’m in school, it’s four years and the money is cut off? When I do graduate, I get a used car. When Roddy fails with the coffee shop, they help him move to a new city, line up a job for him, and when I mention that maybe there’s a discrepancy in the way they treat us, they come down on me? I guess if I were to play golf with L------ then things would be better between us, but I don’t want to play some stupid game I don’t enjoy.

Maybe if I only told them what great people they were, L------ and Alexis, then they would think the same, but instead, after they decide they won’t see us, won’t have any contact with us, but continue to call us anyway, then they say that they are feeling deprived of their grandchild. Of course, being deprived, as they say, puts the focus on us, as if we’re keeping her from them rather than they’ve decided to not see us. Besides, the last time they were in town, they came to buy a boat and tow it home. They have time and desire to drive about 4Besides, the last time they were in town, they came to buy a boat and tow it home. They have time and desire to drive about 400 miles to pick up a new boat and trailer, cheap of course, but they won’t make the same trip to see their grandchild. He has to come to them, not them to him. I’m glad you told them that, that if they could come up here to pick up a boat, they could come up here to visit “their Edward,” but that didn’t make sense to them.

If I keep going, I’m going to explode. I know you think I should try to work things out with them, but right now, even though they’re the only family I have left besides you and Edward. It’s almost enough to make me take up religion, but I’ll do what I can to keep that thought at bay. I love you and hope to see you soon,

B-----

12 November 2005

Alexis,

I wish there was more you could do to help B---- and L---- work things out, but sometime it seems that such a desire on my part is unreasonable. B----- would like to work towards reconciliation, but it seems that whatever he suggests is not good enough, is too much of an inconvenience, shows that he harbors too much in the way or anger and resentment. I have to admit I don’t see any of that anger and resentment, though I also know that I am much more ready to see things from his perspective. At the same time, however, I can see why he would be angry and resentful, though it doesn’t show in his behavior. About the kindest thing I can say about Roddy is that he’s been coddled by your and L-----, and I’m sure that’s nothing you want to hear from me or anyone. When his old girlfriend’s mother lamented that her daughter was dating a ski bum, someone with no drive, no apparent future, it was all to clear that she knew what she was talking about, that she could see him for who he was and is. I can only guess that’s why Alicia left him when she met a man who was doing something with his life. However kind, considerate and compassionate Roddy may be, that’s not much reason to compel a woman to attach herself to him and his aimless ways.

As I write this, I know you are not going to appreciate what I have to say, but this much I know to be true about B-----. He has made numerous attempts at reconciliation, attempts to be reasonable, and has been met only with resistance. Everything he has written has been read and responded to in the worst possible light, serving only as fodder for you and L----- to bolster your misconceptions and distorted views of him, me and our life together. Despite that, I am happy that he is so unlike Roddy, so capable of taking care of himself, of not needing you for any support though he would like you as a family. But until you and L----- can start seeing yourself as part of the problem and less as people or parents who have been victimized because you asked a question that called for either a lie or a hurtful truth, only then will you be able to enjoy your son and grandson. Until then, please understand that you have an open invitation to visit us and Edward at any time. The only reason you may feel deprived is because you have chosen to stay away from us and him. Your grandchild is not being kept from you in anyway, shape or form.

Grace

11/16/05

Grace,

What you said in your recent letter was so hurtful that I almost couldn’t bring myself to respond, but after giving it some thought, I knew I had to.

I don’t know where you get off describing Roddy as “coddled.” While you are right that he is a kind, considerate and compassionate person, I can’t imagine how anyone could view him as coddled. He went cross country to attend school on a football scholarship, played well, but decided the school wasn’t for him after the first semester ended. The expectations for his service learning project were so unrealistic that I can clearly understand why he didn’t complete those credits and decided to enroll in school closer to home. When he was accepted to their honors program, his father and I both supported him in making the move to their campus in Hawaii. The tuition was still affordable so his father and I could pay. And he was close enough that we could visit him. When we did visit, he made time from his schedule for us, putting the three of us as a family ahead of his other obligations. That’s what we expect from a child, to put family first. Until you and B---- can do this, I’m not sure that we can have a future together. Until B---- is ready to reach out to his brother, to get to know him for the wonderful person he is, until he is ready to apologize for the hurt he has created in this family, then we can’t be a family. For L----- and myself, it’s that simple.

Alexis