bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

Today was my first commute of the fall in the rain, in both directions. I nearly got clobbered by some idiot in an old Ford, going around this one corner where he squeezed me toward the curb. It was at that point that I decided it would be a good idea to cut my ride a bit short, so I trimmed a few miles from my typical route. Given that it was dark made that a good idea as well. Otherwise, though not wholly dry, I was plenty warm, but snow is supposed to be coming in the next few days. I don't know how much, but that could put a serious crimp in my riding as long as the ground is slick. I've been looking at studded bike tires and will be getting some soon. Here's today's words for nanowrimo. I've made it over the 10k mark, which is okay, but still has me behind schedule by about 2000 words. I guess that's not too bad, all things considered. Still, it will only get harder to make time and find something to write about, because so far the story still stinks as far as I'm concerned. If you read it, let me know what you think.

26 November 2007

Alexis,

I wanted to let you know about my most recent letter to B-----. As you know, he continues to be wholly unreasonable, casting aspersion on/at me, making it seem as if the anger he harbors is somehow my or our fault or doing. I’ve done what I can to show him that we will not accept any accusations of this sort, that he is going to have to hold himself accountable before we can have anything more to do with him. It pains me that they’ve made such a mess of our family, you, me and Roddy, but I won’t sacrifice my family for him, not with the selfish anger he’s repeatedly expressed. You would think that by his age that he would get over the few problems he had as a child, problems that are clearly brought on by his mother and her unstable behavior. It’s too bad we didn’t make an effort to bring him to live with us when we had the chance, when she was just starting out, living in Kettle Falls on a beginning teacher’s salary. She couldn’t afford to raise him and would probably have let us take him at that point, but that’s past and there’s nothing we can do about it at this point.

Getting back to the point of my writing, I’ve made it clear that we won’t allow B----- to bring his toxic attitude into our family. He’s going to have to apologize, embrace his brother, and stop thinking that he is owed something by us. I don’t care whether we treat him differently than his brother. His mother made life hard for all of us and it’s spilled over to his feelings for us. I’m sure it’s a result of her anger as well, anger that seems to have affected B-----. I’ll let you go.

L-----

11/26/2005

Roddy,

I just heard from your father and he’s told your brother that until he, your brother, can get over the anger he feels, and it seems can’t acknowledge or accept, until then he and Grace are not welcome in our family or home. I know that you have long wanted to develop a relationship with your brother, but it’s going to have to wait until he can understand the hurt he’s caused our family, until he can acknowledge his own anger and the way it hurts our family. He continues to deny being angry, and perhaps he believes as much, but only an angry person would treat us the way he has, not wanting to spend time with you at the house, nor with your girlfriend or friends.

The hardest part of all this is we have been cut off from Alexander. It’s a shame that he is being deprived of his grandparent’s love, of his uncle’s love and companionship, but that’s the choice they have made. Until they can embrace us unconditionally, until they, Grace and B-----, they cannot be a part of us. It’s that simple. I wish they could see the hurt they are doing to us, and themselves, but selfish people rarely can see such things, if ever.

Let us know when you will be here for the weekend. I hope your job is going well. Your father’s friend tells us that you are progressing well, that you are learning the ropes. We’re glad to hear that. We hope the house is treating you well also. It might be a bit bigger than you wanted, but in the long run, it should serve you well.

Love and hugs,

Mother

November 27, 2005

Mother,

Thank you for the note. I know you are trying to help me understand why it is that B---- feels he has nothing in common with me. Of course, that almost right away overlooks our father. Even though you are not his biological mother, as you’ve told me, you’ve offered him as much, if not more, than she did, especially as she pulled him from town to town and job to job for so much of his life. I appreciate that we always had a stable home, and friends, and a place to call home that wasn’t just a house or apartment in a new town. It’s almost as if he resents me because I had the sort of life he wishes he had growing up. Maybe he directs the anger he should be feeling for the poor job his mother did at us, taking it out on us, for father’s divorcing her mother when she was young. Nothing else seems to make sense. But enough of that.

As for work, it’s going well. I’m learning the job, but selling real estate, even with help and guidance, is not easy So far my only listings are those that L----- has steered my way. I’ve been working on flyers and postcards to get my name out, but the market is slow this time of year. Fortunately I have plenty of money in the bank from the sale of the coffee shop. Everyone in the office keeps telling me that the first year or two are tough in real estate, that it takes time to get properties, to get them sold, to get some income coming in somewhat regularly. It’s been six months now and I’m not sure, or so I’ve been thinking, that this is the job or life for me. I like all the free time it offers, but even though dad’s friend in the office has helped me with listings, it’s as if he resents me for being L----‘s son. A few times he’s made comments that I need to get out of the office more, to network, to develop clients of my own, and I know he’s right, but it’s the way he says it, as if he’s doing me a favor my letting me work in the office. I may have to find a new office from which to work if he doesn’t appreciate the efforts I’m making.

Portia and I will see you over the weekend. Until then, hugs and kisses for you and father.

Roddy

27 November 2005

Roddy,

Thanks for sharing those letters with me. I can’t believe your brother is such a shit. What’s his problem that he’s still on this “we don’t have anything in common” crap? There’s your father for starters, your mother too, though I can see why he may not accept the love she tries to give him. What else can she do though, other than love him as much as she has, and try to make things better for him as she did when he was a child. That’s what mothers do, and just because his real mother was such a failure, you’d think he would appreciate all Alexis has given him, all the love and attention she gave him, but he just seems to throw it back in her face. Some people don’t know how good they have it.

I’m sorry to hear, as you told me earlier, that your boss is being so much trouble. He makes it seem like he’s doing you a favor by your working there. Doesn’t he understand that you are the one doing him the favor, bringing your father’s business to him? He owes you more than he seems to understand. I agree that maybe you should work somewhere else, somewhere they appreciate you and what a wonderful person you are. They just can’t see it, that’s for sure.

I’m looking forward to spending the weekend with your parents. I love visiting them and their house. Spending time together, cooking meals, drinking wine, I love it. If your brother would give them even half a chance, he would see what a jerk he’s being, how they are two of the greatest people. But some people are too blind to see what’s right in front of their faces, right at the tip of their nose. Your brother and his wife seem to be that sort of people. It’s unfortunate, but they must have inherited this sort of thing from his mothers, certainly not from your father. I’m going to drop your mother a note and let her know how excited I am to be coming for a visit.

With love,

Portia

27 November 2005

Alexis,

Thank you so much for inviting Roddy and myself for a visit this weekend. I know that Roddy is looking forward to spending some time with you, as am I. I always appreciate the kindness and consideration you show me, and Roddy. I’m sorry to hear that B----- is still treating your poorly, unable or unwilling to see the pain he has caused you and L-----. It seems like it should be obvious, the pain he has created. But as Roddy has said, B----- and Grace seem to be blind to it all.

Roddy and I should be arriving Friday evening. Roddy said you would probably have dinner waiting. I so look forward to the meals you prepare us, the simple ones in particular. I don’t know what it is that makes them so special, but they are. Will we be eating seafood? I don’t remember if Roddy likes seafood. Does he? I keep forgetting. Maybe I need to pay more attention when he takes me out to lunch or dinner. I imagine he could tell you what I do and don’t like when it comes to food. I’m sure I’ll remember this sort of thing more and more, the more time we spend together.

Roddy also said you were glad to hear we had moved in together. I so love the house you helped him buy with the coffee shop money. It takes a special sense to buy such a beautiful house, to see things the way the two of you do, and Roddy as well. I feel blessed to be a part of your family. I can only hope that B----- comes to his senses and sees the family as do I.

See you shortly.

Love, Portia.

11/29/05

Portia,

Thank you for such a lovely letter. L----- and I look forward to your arrival and we do appreciate hearing form you, and the love you give our Roddy. Yes, we wish as well that B---- was more like Roddy, that he better appreciated what we have given him through his life, that he loved us the way Roddy loves us, and we love Roddy. But until he, B----, can get over his anger, there’s nothing we can do for him. We do, however, take comfort in you and Roddy and the love you have for each other, though you’ve known him just a short time. And yes, when it comes to seafood, Roddy is no great fan. He is, however, a great fan of yours, as are we, which is why we look forward to your arrival. We’ll plan a meal; it will be simple, but I think you’ll find it special as well. And it won’t be seafood, you, and Roddy, can count on that. L---- and are happy to have you in Roddy’s life and in ours as well. Maybe for now we can’t have B---- in our family, but you make a nice addition and we hope you’ll be a part of it.

Love, Alexis.