bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

The first entry, letter if you will, I added to the beginning of the story. It's now where things start. I think this adds a second, or a first, layer of conflict to the story, making it more interesting, though more smutty based on what I wrote today, but smut is good, right? Especially in the examination of family and other interpersonal dynamics. What could be better than a little smut there? While writing the somewhat smutty bit tonight (that should get folks reading!) I started thinking about what this sort of thing says about me, the man and writer. It's not too smutty, but the age difference between the two, though not spelled out, might seem odd, awkward or just plain weird since I'm younger than the character L----, but only in my mind by a decade or so, and Portia is rather young herself, not as young as my students, a good bit older, but still, it had me thinking that I must be some dirty old man. Maybe this is the sort of thing I should leave unsaid because it might creep a student out were they to read it? Well, I don't feel this way toward any students, but I feel weird even saying that. Ah, the heck with it. If you read, let me know what you think. the only problem, real problem, is that this is somewhat like the novel Damaged in the relationship between the father and his son's girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. I don't remember exactly how that story plays out, other than someone, the father?, falls over a railing to his death in a foyer or some such place. Hopefully that's the only relationship to that story, which I never read, but did listen to on tape. Should this story get anywhere, I'll worry about that when it's time. Maybe I'm a great artist because I'm stealing that idea and not copying it outright, because I just can't remember the whole of that story, other than it being rather sordid. I am going for sordid though.

31 October 205

Portia,

I really enjoyed our time together when you were last here for a visit. I look forward to your next visit.

L------

29 November 2005

Portia,

I am looking forward to your visit this coming weekend. Alexis has told me that you and Roddy should be arriving some time late Friday. We’ll have dinner waiting, and some wine. If you let me know what you’d like, for the wine or for the meal, I’ll be happy to see what I can do for you. Since your last visit, I’ve so been looking forward to having you here you again, hoping we can again pick up where we left off. If there is anything I can do to make your visit more enjoyable, please let me know.

With love, L------

1 December 2005

L------,

Thank you so much for the kind note. Yes, I am looking forward to our arrival and spending some time with you. I know that Roddy won’t mind as he is looking forward to spending some time with his friend Justin. That should give us some time, perhaps with Alexis, perhaps not, to get to know each other, to build on what we began during my last visit. I’ve spent a great deal of time thinking about our time together, and how I feel about you, and Alexis, but you in particular, as Roddy’s father, as someone I’d like to have in my life along with Roddy. Perhaps this is because I have in some ways been estranged from my own father, from most of my family. The three of you seem to be the family that I had always hoped for, warm, welcoming, affirming. In the short time I’ve known you, I’ve come to appreciate this in you.

With love as well, Portia

1 December 2005

Diane,

Roddy and I are again driving down to spend some time with his parents, but I feel as if I am spinning out of control. When I first met and started spending time with Roddy, I felt like he was the one for me, the one I wanted to marry, the one to have my children, and sometimes I still feel that way. But there’s been a complication, and you know what I’m talking about. At first I thought it was just a silly crush that I had on his father, that this older man, successful in so many ways, was paying attention to and being so kind to me. As you know, I was sincerely flattered by his attentions. I still am, though I find myself wanting something more from him, while wanting something less from Roddy, but I have to be with Roddy to be with L-----, that much is clear.

What I didn’t tell you before is that when Roddy went to visit his friend Justin, and while Alexis was out shopping for our dinner, L---- and I made love, and it was as I’d always hoped love making would be. While Roddy was gone, L----, Alexis and I drank some wine, a glass or two, not too much really to have lost our minds, but enough to create a very comfortable situation. When L---- refilled my glass, when he brought it to me, he sat beside me on the couch, and put his arm over the back of the couch, behind me. I felt his fingers brush the nape of my neck, just so slightly, just enough to feel their warmth. Those fingers sent shivers down my spine, sent a tingling through me that immediately got me excited. When Alexis left, and he offered me a third glass of wine, and we sat talking, still on the couch, I couldn’t help myself, so I put my hand to his leg, on his thigh. I was worried he’s brush my hand away, stand up and walk off, maybe acting as if nothing happened, or that he was affronted by my advances while I was with his son, but none of this happened.

Instead, he put his hand over mine. You can imagine how excited that made me as he rubbed the back of my hand, then locking his fingers into mine. It was then that I leaned forward and put my mouth to his, kissing him softly at first, but much more so once he responded. The rush was incredible. The next thing I knew, though it was likely sometime later, we were on his bed, pulling at each other’s clothing, not wholly undressing, but undressing enough to make the passion crazy. I pulled open his shirt, he pulled open mine. My bra was still on, but he bit my breast. From there, well, I’ll let you figure out the rest. I loved it, all of it.

What I didn’t love, though, was the sense of guilt I felt upon Roddy’s return, and, to a lesser degree, Alexis’s return. What does one do in a situation like this? Pretend? I’m just not sure, but I am sure, based on the note L---- sent me, that he wants to see me in the same way I want to see him. The problem, I guess it’s a problem, is that I’m losing interest in Roddy, that he seems so much less mature, so much less capable in so many ways, sexual, emotional, and in ways I just don’t know. But for now, given that Roddy and I are living together, I can’t move out, not if it means I can’t see his father, which would surely raise some eyebrows. Maybe you can help me figure out what to do, because right now I’m torn, not so much between Roddy and his father, because my heart is no longer with Roddy, but with L-----. But how do I make this work for myself, for my happiness? That’s what I need to know. Let me know what you think.

Fondly, Portia

1 December 2005

Roddy,

I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know I’m very much looking forward to the visit with your mother and father. Let me know what time you’d like to plan on leaving and I’ll be ready. I’m expecting that we’ll have a grand time with the two of them. If you want to make time to spend with Justin, please do. Don’t think you have to spend the whole of our time there keeping me entertained. I’m certain I can either find something to do on my own or that your parents will be happy to keep me company, either around the house or getting out to do something, just so I can better get to know them both.

Loving you, Portia

12/4/2005

Portia,

I knew something was up the first time you mentioned L----- to me. What do you do? God, I have no idea what you do in this sort of situation. Is it lust? Love? Both? How can you tell? How can anyone tell except maybe it lasts. Maybe the smart thing is to run like hell from the both of them. Or maybe the smart thing to do is cling like it’s a matter of life or death to one of them. But both of them? I just can’t imagine how that can work without someone getting hurt more than I can imagine. I like Roddy, mind you, but it seems you can do better than him. I’ve never had a real high opinion of most people who go into real estate, at least those who choose it because they have no other skills, and that’s the sort of person that Roddy strikes me as. Maybe he’ll amount to something at some point, but right now, that seems something of a long shot; it’s iffy anyway.

His father has sure made something of himself, but if he’s going to sleep with you, and be married, and be the father of your boyfriend, who you live with, if it isn’t love that’s going to last forever, then there’s nothing good there for you, beyond the sex anyway. I like sex as much as you do, maybe more, but those sort of complications and entanglements are more than I’d want. Or are there no strings with L-----? And if there are no strings, where that does leave you? From where I sit, you’re the vulnerable one here, the one with the most to lose: your home with Roddy, Roddy, and whatever it is you have going with L-----.

About the only thing I can say for sure, and know what I’m talking about, is that you better enjoy it while you can because at some point, something is going to come due.

Take care of yourself and be safe, Diane.

4 December

B----,

About the only thing I can say about your family and mine is I don’t know which of them would drive me up the wall sooner if I was stuck in a room or on an island with either of them. You know I see my mother a lot, and maybe like Roddy I’m something of a momma’s boy in that I spend so much time with her or talking to her, but even I was able to cut the purse strings, and not just in a financial sense. Still, we are close, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it seems your half-brother is a good bit closer with his mother than even I am with mine, and sometimes I’m convinced I’m too close to my mother. But even if that’s true, she didn’t get me a job, or tell it would be okay if I didn’t finish my studies. She knew I wanted it, so she wanted it for me.

It sounds like your father and his wife might want something for your brother, but it’s hard to figure out what. They want him around, maybe, so they can see what great parents they are? How generous they are? It might be generous to buy him a coffee shop and let him keep the money when he sells it. Hell, who wouldn’t want money that’s damn near free? But to then buy him a house in the city? Is he ever going to stand on his own two feet? Make his own way in the world? Sure doesn’t sound like it. They’re killing him with generosity, making him dependent upon them, maybe making themselves dependent upon him. That might be why they have such a hard time with you. You’re not dependent on them. About all I can say is I’m glad I’m not you, not when it comes to this. But I’m way more glad that I’m not your brother, or your father or his wife. However screwed up you and I might be, those people are totally fucked in the head with this stuff. Good luck and keep in touch.

Tobias