bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

I didn't get any writing done on day 11, which, when it comes to churning out words, is not a good thing. I'm still a day or two behind in my word count, at 18,500 give or take a few words. If I was on track to hit 50k by the end of the month, I'd be at 20k. I was shooting for that today, writing about 3500 words. Maybe I can do something like that in the next day or two, to get caught up. Still, to be only one day behind in the word count, I'm okay with that. And that I was able to write 3500 words today, which is two days worth of writing, that's okay. Still, I have to think 50000 is a long-shot by the end of the month, no matter how the next few days go. And now, for today's words, that may even be part of a longer, broader story:

8 December 2005

Grace,

I hope the trip is going well. Vietnam is a long way from Spokane, no matter how you get there, but the three legs of the flight, or is it four, seem to be laid out well. Once you get in, let me know how things are there, how you are doing, what Hanoi is like, the hotel, and everything, plus what you see when you play tourist. Other than wishing you were here, or that I were with you, not much has changed in the last few days.

I’ve enclosed my letter from L----. He’s still in denial about the whole business, as if everything wrong in a relationship, our relationship, could be the fault of one person. I can’t imagine every blaming you, in some serious way, for being at fault whenever we have a problem. I know that if I did that to you, or you did that to me, life would be miserable. One of us would be gone soon enough. I guess that when you do that to a child, and from a distance, you can better live with yourself. It’s not like that if L----- or Alexis is unhappy with me that I’m going to blow them off, project it back on them. I know I’ve hardly been a perfect child, and being caught between L---- and mother’s tug-of-war while I was growing up, I was able to see plenty, and do a little playing off of them against one another when I wanted something. But that never worked for the big things. I never got money from L----- to attend that school in Seattle I wanted to go to. He said he couldn’t afford it, and mother certainly couldn’t afford it at the time, or anytime for that matter. Still, if I was a jerk as a kid, it would be reasonable for me to, looking back now, blame it on my parenting, but not just on my mother, but my father as well because the two of them were always going at each other. It wasn’t out of love that mother threw her wedding ring into the Willamette River. It had to have been worth a few hundred dollars, at least, and she needed the money. That’s a pretty strong sign of her disenchantment with him, to throw that money away when she needed it as much as she did.

As you can see, I took your suggestion and offered up the idea of family therapy and that too was rejected out of hand. Frankly, I don’t know what else I might do, how much more I should invest in trying to make things work out when they keep getting thrown back in my face. Maybe after he thinks about things for awhile, assuming he will think about them, or after they rattle around in the back of his head, in his subconscious, he’ll reconsider, but I’m not holding out for that. He’s so stuck in his ways, his mindset. Even when we were on relatively good terms, he could never not do all he could to be the dominant one in the relationship, always having to be right, never admitting to being wrong, only occasionally admitting that something could be so, but only to reject it as being flat-out wrong at the next opportunity. I must sound like a broken record going on and on about this, which maybe means I should quit trying if there’s nothing new to try, nothing to accomplish. You’ll have to let me know what you think, as I know you will.

With love,

B-----

9 December 2005

Roddy,

I hope you and Portia enjoyed your time with us this past weekend. We’re looking forward to your visit over the Christmas holidays. I’ve got some surprises in the planning stages that I think both you and Portia will be pleased with, and enjoy of course. I only wish your nephew Edward was going to be here. L----- and I miss him terribly, but as long as his brother is going to remain intractable, and that intractability is going to spread hurt and pain through our family, we are going to remain deprived of him and being able to give him the love he sorely deserves. I can only hope that Grace and B----- are not turning him against us in some way, telling him that it’s our fault that he cannot see us. After all, our last visit with him was when we drove up to Spokane to pick up our boat and trailer. We made the effort to reach out to B----- and Grace, if only so we could see little Eddie.

This brings me to the reason I wrote. Your brother has proposed that he and your father enter into family counseling to work things out, as your brother put it. However, at my urging, though it didn’t take much, your father told him that this sort of things was inappropriate at this time, that it was not a good idea until your brother took care to address, and eliminate, the anger and resentment he feels toward his father, and you, and me. Meeting him for counseling as a family, even if it is just father and son, would allow your brother to sidestep the responsibility he has to take care of himself, to get right with the rest of us. The family approach would only allow him to focus his anger on his father with a third person, hopefully neutral, present in the room. If your brother focuses on what he claims was unfair treatment from L------ and my self with regard to the two of you, then he will never have to address his own attitudes and agendas. There is no way I am going to allow him to scapegoat his father, or me, or you for that matter, because his mother screwed him up by hauling around three states from one job to another, from one small town to another, before finally settling down and providing a stable home life, as stable as she was able to make it anyway.

I don’t want to dwell on these things. Certainly you need not worry about bringing a gift for your brother when you come for the holidays. He won’t be here. Perhaps you can send a gift to Edward so it gets to him in time for Christmas. I wouldn’t expect anything from your brother, your “half-brother,” as long as he’s as consumed by anger as he is.

As I wrote earlier, L----- and I are looking forward to seeing you and Portia again and spending a few days with you, and enjoying the holidays.

As ever, your loving mother

12/9/2005

Diane,

I’m sorry it’s taken me a few days to get back to you. It’s not like I haven’t had the time, it’s just that I’ve been trying to think things through to see where I stand, how I feel about the last few weeks. I’ve never found myself in such a state, such a situation, as I find myself now. It’s almost crazy, maybe even a little creepy. If you had told me you were doing something like this, I don’t think I’d be very approving, but now that I find myself in the middle of it all, I don’t seem so certain about things, about myself. Maybe I’m just being selfish that way, in some sort of denial about things. It’s certainly not easy, trying to balance the competing interests and desires, understanding, maybe trying to understand, that there are some potential dangers in seeing, sleeping with, both L---- and Roddy. That would be tough enough, never mind that they are father and son. But I’m torn between the two of them in a way I’ve never been torn before. I’m hoping you can give me some insight to myself and what I’m doing, so I’ll tell you what’s been going on.

For the few days we’ve been home, I haven’t been feeling so close to Roddy. The little things that I’ve always overlooked, because they were the same with him as with anyone I’d ever been with, are starting to bother me. I don’t know what it is or how it happens, but in the morning his breath smells like pepperoni. But it’s been like that with everyone I’ve ever slept with. Maybe it’s just some morning breath thing that everyone has. Maybe my breath smells that way but no one has ever told me. But it’s starting to bug me. The last thing I want to do when I smell that breath is kiss or fuck him. I also don’t want to go down on him, at least so he comes in my mouth. I used to like that sort of thing, getting a man to come in my mouth, but not so much with Roddy. But L----, something about that still gets me excited. I could do it with him over and over. Maybe because it’s a little more work with him it’s more exciting, more fun, for me. I don’t know.

When we have fucked, Roddy and I, I’m just not as into it as I was before. Like I wrote in my previous letter, when we did it after coming home, I was thinking of his father, sorta faking it, but not really when I got my mind working. The excitement and arousal was there, just not for Roddy, or because of Roddy. It was all for L-----. Is that weird? How much do you find yourself doing that sort of thing? If I had to keep my mind in the present, on what I was doing, there’s no way I would come. It’s the same with Roddy’s touch. The way he’d played with my breasts used to get me all excited, but now it’s almost as if I’m touching myself or dressing myself. Rather than feeling the warmth, the softness of them, his hands feel dry, rough. It’s not like he does anything with them that would make them dry and rough, and they probably aren’t dry and rough, they just seem that way to me, and not just when he touches my breasts, but any touch of his feels that way. It’s like I’m examining my breasts for lumps, only they’re not my hands, when he starts feeling me up. There’s nothing exciting about that as you well know.

So, what else can I tell you about how things have been? Not only have I not been thinking about Roddy while we have sex, and not only do I think about his father instead, I’ve also been wondering how I can keep living with Roddy, no matter how things turn out. I mean, what’s the likelihood that L----- will leave his wife for me? Sure, I’m younger, and I think a lot prettier than she is, but they’ve been together for quite some time, long enough to have a son in his mid-twenties. But if I’m not with Roddy, how can I get to see him without arousing any suspicion? I won’t be able to just stop in and hope that Alexis will hop off to the store so her husband and I have some time alone to screw. But I think that would be okay for me. While I thought I loved Roddy, and maybe I do in some way, I know I don’t really love his father, I think, though he does make it easy to see that I deserve more from a man than Roddy can give me at this point.

Do you think it’s okay if it’s all about sex, even though it’s kinda weird to be doing the boyfriend’s father, and the boyfriend, while fantasizing that it’s his father? I know now that I don’t want to be with Roddy long time, maybe not at all, but I do want to be with his father, if only for the sex, but if something more were to come of it, if Alexis were to run off, or find out about us and be okay with it, then I don’t know what I’d want. Maybe once it’s within reach I won’t want it anymore, once the illicit excitement is gone, it won’t arouse me the way it does now. I don’t know if I plugged all the holes as I said I would when I promised to write this letter. You’ll have to met me know if you have any questions.

I don’t suppose you have any words of wisdom for me, do you? If not, I’ll love you all the same,

Portia

10/12/05

Portia,

I do have a question. You haven’t told me much about Alexis. Does she suspect anything, do you think? What do you think might happen if she finds out, or catches the two of you in the act? What will you do then? Have you been thinking about that at all?

Diane

14 December ‘05

B-----,

Thanks for sharing the note from your father. It doesn’t make any sense to me why they would respond the way they did when you suggested family counseling. I remember hearing about how Alexis was ready to leave L---- when they lost their bookstore, never mind that the two of them were totally unrealistic about making it work as a business. Alexis’s big gripe was that L----- was too controlling, too much of a know-it-all, too unwilling to listen to anyone else. You’d think she’d see that in this situation as well, but it seems, since L----- mentions talking it over with her, that she’s as much a part of the problem as he is. I’m at a loss for what to do next, other than wait and see. I wish I wasn’t traveling right now, that I could be with you to help you sort this out.

Speaking of traveling, I’ve been enjoying myself immensely. I never thought Vietnam would be so nice as it is. I never had any desire to visit but I’m so glad, despite the long plane trip, to be here. The city itself is magnificent, looking like some mix of somewhat modern Asia and the French colony it was. I took a ride in a pedi-cab around town, getting a tour. The bizarre part of the cab ride was I sat in front of the person. He knew enough to show me around, the market, the walls of the old city, a few monuments, sort of, from the war. One of the monuments is the remnants of a B-52 that was shot down over the city. Part of its landing gear and fuselage are in a canal, and there’s a monument to the glorious and victorious forces of the homeland, or something along those lines, that shot it out of the sky. I don’t know if they shot it down from the ground, or if a plane shot it out of the sky, but either way there is a plaque that’s in both English and Vietnamese telling the story. But they don’t have any animosity toward me, probably because the won the war. I can only hope the Iraqi people will feel the same whenever ever that mess is over and done with.

I’m looking forward to seeing you in little more than a week, in time for the holidays. I’ll keep writing and I’ll send some pictures as well so you can see where I’ll be doing my work in the national park. If I were there, I’d give you a big hug and kiss. Hang in there with all the family carp. I love you.

Grace

14 December ‘05

Diane,

Good questions, all of them. Alexis seems to really like me and I’m guessing it’s because I’m living with Roddy. I’m not sure what she’d think of me otherwise. It can’t be the sort of work I’m doing. Roddy’s last love was working to promote business run by indigenous women in Hawaii, with some emphasis on combating domestic abuse. She, Roddy’s ex, started the organization from scratch, though I heard she ran into some trouble along the way, being that she’s not Hawaiian. Some of the more militant women, as much as they like what she’s doing, were working to squeeze her out of the organization. They didn’t want a haole helping them so much. They tended to view it as being paternalistic, rather like the missionaries in late 19th and early 20th centuries. Those missionaries brought Christianity and all the great things that has going for it and she brought feminism, something many of them viewed askance, particularly when it came from a mainland white. What can you say. No matter the reception Roddy’s ex received for that from those she was trying to help, Roddy’s mom is really into that sort of activism. It’s sorta nurturing I guess, which is how Roddy’s mom comes across, though I don’t know how nurturing she really is. You’ll have to meet her sometime and let me know what you think.

Anyway, would she take to me as a coffee shop barista? I don’t know. She talks to me like it’s some great thing I do, and how it must give me lots of free time to do what I’d rather be doing, but it’s not like I have some big agenda, like I’m trying to save the world or whales or Hawaiian women. I just want to hang out, bike in the summer and ski in the winter. You know me. The last thing I want to do is some job that becomes my life. I figure if people can’t take care of themselves, if they can’t pull their own fat out of the fire, why should I do it for them? But Alexis is the type who wants to do that sort of thing, and thinks everyone should be doing that sort of thing. If not that, then they should be making art of some sort, pursuing some great dream, something exotic. I guess that’s how she gives her life meaning. Would she give me a second glance otherwise? I kinda doubt it, but I think that’s how she operates. She does, I think out of kindness, try to find ways to connect to people, but it’s always through her somewhat skewed lens. Everyone should be trying to be some artist or social activist or something along those lines. Being a barista or a shop girl isn’t something she’d look at all that favorably. I think she sees it as wasting my life or something like that, unless that’s the bliss I want to follow.

When it comes to me and L-----, I don’t think she has a clue, unless he’s telling her, which I can’t fathom him doing, but who knows. He’s screwing his son’s girlfriend, so who knows what other stuff they might have going on between them. I’m not sure if I’d want her to know or not. If she did, I don’t think I’d want to know. I have a feeling it would get back to Roddy pretty quick and then where would I be? Their family would be on the rocks and it would be my fault, though it’s not like I’d have done it all on my own. With all that, I’m thinking she doesn’t know anything is going on and I’d certainly like to keep it that way. You won’t tell will you? Don’t worry, kidding on that. Still, you’ll have to meet Roddy’s parents at some point so you can tell me what you see that I don’t.

Portia

11December 2005

Mom,

Thanks for the note. I agree with and support the choice you and father made with regard to seeing a family therapist with B-----. I don’t know what it is about him wanting to do that, but it seems like he’s up to something, trying to manipulate the situation so he comes off looking better. That’s just one way he could try to fob off the responsibility for the trouble he’s caused. I mean, what could he tell a therapist? That he doesn’t have anything in common with me and that bothers you, and me I should add? That he’s selfish? That he’s keeping Eddie from the three of us with his accusations and unwillingness to apologize for the way he is? For the person he is?

On the other hand, maybe it would be a good idea to call his bluff, to see what he has to say, what’s on his mind. There’s almost nothing to lose in doing so. He’s already shown himself to be a monumental jerk, someone who doesn’t care for our feelings. In that respect, you/we would be giving him the rope he needs to hang himself, to show himself as the person he is, selfish, manipulative and inconsiderate.

On a happier note, please let me know what you think of Portia. I sense that you like her, but I’d like to hear for sure one way or the other. It’s been great living with her. We spend our evenings together over dinner, sometimes a bottle of wine, just enjoying each other’s company, talking about how work was for the both of us, what interesting things happened, what we’d like to be doing in the future, where we’d like to be. I think I could spend a lot of time with her and it seems she feels the same about me. I could even see myself marrying her not too far down the road. What would you think of that?

Whatever you think of it, we’re both looking forward to the Christmas holidays and spending them with you. We’re considering staying through New Years if you don’t have any plans to run us off.

Thinking of you, Roddy