bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

The good news for today is I broke 20k words, and almost made it to 21k. Plus, as of today, I have some fodder for where the story will be going for a little while, though I don't know how far I'll be able to carry it. I may back up some and have B----'s mother dead from a suicide. I've been kicking that idea around a bit. I'm going to use that to build on a second suicide, which will become clear in the next day or two if you read what happens. I don't know if I've moved things forward at all with regard to plot, but I'll worry about that sort of thing later. If I think of the five steps of plot--situation, complication, climax, denouement, resolution--then I'm clearly developing the complication, working toward some climax of some sort. I'm not sure how things will unravel. The climax for the story is likely to be along the lines of a climax found in Shakespearean or Elizabethan drama, in act three. That would mean I'm in the middle of act two at this point. We'll see how it goes in the next couple days. It's nice to have some ideas in the bank, but I have to slog on.

15 December

Roddy,

Both your father and I love Portia. She’s a darling girl and i=t was a joy to sit and chat with her while you were out. Your father said the same about the time he spent with her while I was shopping for dinner. She’s a lovely girl with a lot of potential. Maybe you can spark something in her so she doesn’t end up being trapped at that coffee shop. I know she’s enjoying herself now, while she’s young, but I know that at some point she is going to wish that she had better planned her future. That’s where you come in. You can help her realize her potential, so she can shine in the way that you shine. As long as the two of you care for each other, love each other, and want to make a life together, and are willing to work through whatever troubles that arise, I think she is a fine girl for you, and you a fine man for her. But what mother wouldn’t say that about her son?

Always with love, Mother
15 December

Diane,

I’m starting to have second thoughts about Roddy, or reservations, or whatever. Ever since I’ve started seeing, having sex with, his father, it’s become hard to be around him. It’s almost as if he wants to make me into something that would please his parents. He knows how important it is to me to either be skiing during the winter or biking during the summer, or a little, or a lot, of both of those when the weather allows. But since we came back from visiting his parents, my job at the coffee shop isn’t good enough for him. It’s a dead-end he keeps saying, like the only thing that matters about me is what I do to pay the rent. I never took him for being so consumed by that sort of thing, defining himself, or me for that matter, by the work I do. I never expected him to pigeon hole me that way, or anyway for that matter. Maybe I need to break it off with him, or at least not live with him any longer. At least that way I can go home and be away from him, have some time and space to myself, even though it will have to be in some dinky apartment rather than his house. Still, if I’m not comfortable at home, it will end up driving me crazy pretty quickly. I’ll keep you posted.

Portia

15 December

Mother,

I’m sorry for not having written for some time now. The last time I wrote I told you that I was moving in with my boyfriend, Roddy. It’s been a couple of months since then and I’m thinking about moving out on my own again. I don’t know what it is about the men I fall for, but they just never seem to pan out. And this one happened in pretty much the same way as my recent relationships. I meet someone, fall in love, or so I think, get real close, and then come across some other man, and I start falling for him and edging away from the person I thought I was in love with. It’s happening that way again. Roddy, as you can guess, is the one I’m edging away from. I won’t tell you about the person I’m falling for, because I don’t know if I’m really falling for him, or just having some fun, having a distraction. It all started innocent enough, but it’s gone beyond innocence. If Roddy were to find out, he’d be devastated, crushed, because he knows the new person quite well. I’m not yet sure how I’m going to handle it, but I’ll figure something out. I just hope it works out well in the end, whatever happens.

I hope this finds you well. Though I raised the possibility of being home for Christmas and New Years, I have some plans in the area and will be staying here. I hope you can forgive me for leaving you alone this time of year, but you’ll always be in my thoughts. I promise not to wait so long between messages, though we both know how that tends to work out.

Loving you always, Portia

16 December

Portia,

I know what you mean about feeling smothered. It seems so many men, boys really, get that way. They think because they have a roof over their head, that they share it with you, that they are somehow in charge or in control of you. I’ve never understood that sort of thing, but it happens all too often. Maybe you do need to get away from him, move to a place of your own, maybe even as a first step for leaving him and ending your relationship, or at least taking control of the relationship. There’s no reason you have to make decisions that are about his happiness. Take care of yourself first.

Diane

December 17, 2005

Portia,

As always, I was happy to receive your last note. I wish you would write more often, let me know more how things are going, what you are doing, who you are seeing, all the sorts of things a mother wants to know about her daughter. It saddened me to read you wouldn’t be coming for the holidays. I’d so been looking forward to a visit, to see you in the flesh, to hold you, to hear what my baby has been up to since we last were able to visit. But I also know how much like me you are, how you’ll only do what you want, when you want, because you want to do it. I’ll have to be happy when that time comes, when you decide it’s time to see me and come home, for however much time you can stand to spend here. Until then, know that you’re always welcome and there is always going to be a light on for you.

Love, Mother

18 December

Diane,

I just got a note from my mother. I wrote her and told her I wouldn’t be home for the holidays. I can never tell if she’s being facetious, rubbing my face in her love, or if she’s being straight with me, saying she understands how I am, how I’m like her, that I’ll come when I’m ready and she’s fine with that, even if it means being alone for the holidays, again, as usual. Of course, it’s not any different than when my father was still around. She was basically alone then too because he’d be out with his buddies, drinking, smoking dope, doing who knows what all. Probably chasing women too, knowing him and his friends. Anyway, I was feeling guilty after reading her message back to me, but I’ll get over that soon enough. Still, I told her I was pretty much not excited about Christmas with Roddy and his family, at least not excited about spending so much time with Roddy. I also told her about my dating pattern playing itself out again. I hate seeing that part of my life, but right now, I’m not sure I want to do anything about it. Write back and let me know what’s going on with you.

Portia

19 December 2005

Portia,

If you are that uninspired, that unexcited, about spending Christmas and New Years with Roddy and his family, you might need to tell him, something anyway. I don’t think you want to tell him you’ve been screwing his father. That probably won’t go over too well, which I’m sure you know. But you could tell him, remind him, how you are when it comes to men, that you meet one, get involved, and before that can go sour, you find someone new and start up with that person, dumping the person you were already with. It’s not like you didn’t tell him that sort of thing right off. You did tell him, didn’t you? I think you told me you did. Either way, if you don’t think you want to go away with him, and be with his family, then there’s nothing wrong with telling him. On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with going and seeing how things turn out. Maybe you’ll find out you’re wrong about how you feel about him, that you’re wrong about him and you want to stay with him. Or maybe you’ll realize that it’s time to cut him loose. That sort of thing sucks no matter when it happens, so there’s no need to let the holidays stop you from being straight with him. If you wait, he’ll be mad because you were deceiving him over the holidays and if he spent a lot of money on a gift, he’ll be mad, thinking you held out to get the gift. If you cut him loose before hand, you don’t have to worry about that sort of thing. Either way, you’ll be free to do what you please, with him or without him. If I knew what was right to do, I’d tell you, but you know I don’t have a clue about what should be your next step. Do let me know when it happens though. You’ll have to make some kind of decision in the next few days since Christmas will be here at the end of the week.

Diane

B-----,

My time here will be up in a couple of days and then I’ll be on my way home. Have you heard anything from your father? Alexis? Maybe Roddy? Not that I’d expect Roddy to actually contact you. As your father said, being that you’re the older of the two, it’s your responsibility to reach out to him, never mind that he’s the one who has been given all the advantages, at least been given all the perks by the parents.

The weather here has been interesting, but it’s gotten in the way of our work. The mornings have been foggy, making it hard to count the butterflies because they don’t fly in the fog. When the fog does burn off later in the day, it tends to rain, and they don’t fly so much in the rain either. They tend to hide out on the undersides of the larger leafs that offer some protection. But while we haven’t been able to do as much research as we’d like, we have spent some nice evenings in the hotel next to ours. It has a full service restaurant, full service for Vietnam anyway, and we can have a beer or wine after hiking out of the park, tired from what little work we’ve done, which is mostly tramping through mud and brush.

An interesting thing is how, when someone was building a road into the park, when they were stopped, they just abandoned the machinery they were using—bulldozers, backhoes, trucks. They’ve all been left to rust in the jungle. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but then I have to guess they didn’t belong to some private business, but to the government instead. No one could tell us much about it, not even Mister Ngyuen, who seems not to really be a scientists, but more of an overseer, something of a spy to make sure we westerners don’t do anything wrong, like talk politics. He’s a nice man, but then, I think that’s what he is supposed to be.

I’ll catch you up on my return. I miss you, and love you, Grace