bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

If I were on track, I would have 25k words by today, by the time I punch "submit" on this entry, but I'm 998 words short. Yes, I have 24,002 words of a "novel" or so-called novel, or whatever you might want to call what I've cranked out. I can't remember what I've said about my intentions before, but the epistolary form is not exactly conducive to the early 21st century, not in anyway that I can make sense of as of yet. should I revise I might make it all emails, texts and IM, though I hard text or IM, so I don't know if I could pull that off with an authentic voice. No matter. I'm nearly halfway there, and the month is half over. If nothing else, I'm doing better than last year. If you're interested, keep reading. Something does happen, though I'm not sure if I made it as entertaining as I had hoped. The next installment though, I think will bring things to a head, though I'm not quite sure how.

22 December 2005

Mom,

I don’t remember what I told you about Roddy and how things are going, but it’s not so good any more. I’d been sorta seeing someone else, someone Roddy knows, and I told him about it today. I didn’t tell him who the person was, but I told him I’d been seeing someone, though not real seriously. I didn’t go so far as to tell him that I and this other person had slept together, but we have, and I think we will again, I hope. I’m not sure what I think of all this but at least I don’t have to worry about feeling so guilty anymore. I mean, I feel guilty somewhat for hurting him, because I really did care for him, at least at one point. Now I still care for him, though not so much as before, not so much that I think I want to give up seeing the other person.

As you can imagine, Roddy took it pretty rough. I could see the life drain out of his face, almost literally. He turned ashen, his jaw dropped, his eyes were wide, and he had to steady himself on the table, and against the wall. I pitied him. After a moment he sat down at the kitchen table but he didn’t say a word. I wasn’t sure how much more I should tell him, or what he would want to know. I stayed in the kitchen in case he wanted to talk with me, to see what he would want to do. My first thought was that I needed to look for a new place to live, which I already knew. Maybe this was my way of committing myself to moving out and getting away from him. I can’t imagine that he would ever be able to support me should I want children. If I were to stay with him, I’d have to keep working, splitting my time between work and children and family and the things I love to do now. Maybe I needed to do something dramatic in order to move on.

After a few minutes, he asked me a few questions, how long it had been going on, who it was, where we met, that sort of thing. There was only so much I could tell him, which was how long it had been going on, which hasn’t been all that long. He wanted to know if it was just some infatuation, some diversion. I admitted it may be as much, and reminded him that this was the way I was, or am. I find someone, enjoy their company for some time, a while, then I get bored and find myself being more open to other possibilities, other people. I don’t go looking for these things, I reminded him. They just seem to find me when I’m ready, or maybe vulnerable. In some ways I feel bad for us as a couple because we didn’t get a chance to really see how or if we belonged together long term.

The shocker is that he asked me to still spend Christmas with him and his family, and I said yes, that I would. I’m not sure why he wanted that, maybe to save face with his parents. Right now I can’t tell you why I said yes. I know why I said yes, but I just can’t tell you. Maybe a little later I can or will. We’ll be leaving sometime Friday and will get to his parent’s house around dinner time. I’m not sure when we’ll be returning, but I expect it will be before the new year. I’ll try to get in touch before then. Until then, Merry Christmas. I love you.

Portia

22 December 2005

Diane,

Well, it happened, but I’m not sure why. Last night I told Roddy I had been seeing, sleeping with, someone else, but I didn’t tell him who, and I don’t know that I will. It seemed to hit him pretty hard, which I guess makes some sense. He was immediately pale and withdrawn looking, going gray in the face. He looked like he would be sick. I know that feeling he had in his stomach. You know it took, I know. Maybe that’s why I broke it off. I can deal with things better this way, only it really isn’t broken off yet. We’re still going to visit his parents for Christmas, though I don’t know how long we’ll stay. As I told my mother, I don’t think we’ll be there over the new year, maybe a day or two after Christmas if things don’t get too weird. Probably we’ll play it by ear, see how things go. I’m not sure how much time I’ll be able to spend with him, especially around his family. It will depend upon how he is acting, if he becomes morose, whether he remains somewhat even keeled. I’m not sure I want to be there is he has a meltdown of any sort, especially if he tells his parents while I’m in the room, or even out of the room. “Hey mom and dad, guess what? My girlfriend is screwing someone else, but she still came for Christmas. Happy Holidays! Season’s Greetings.” Wouldn’t that be too weird? It would be for me. So, life goes on. I’ll keep you posted when I have some time to write more.

Portia

I know I just wrote, but I have to tell you this while it’s fresh in my mind. Roddy told me he forgives me, that he wants us to keep trying to be a couple, that we have something special together and just because I made a mistake that we don’t have to end it. He’ll forgive me, he has forgiven me, and he trusts me to do what’s right, which is stay with him. I felt ambushed by all that. I guess maybe I might need forgiveness for hurting him. I can go for that, but he knows that I’ll do what’s right? Stay with him to ease his pain? Assuage my guilt, of which I don’t have much? I guess that’s what he’s thinking. Hell, I don’t feel guilty, and now I’m not sure I even feel sorry for him. I almost want to tell him to suck it up and take it like a man, though that might be something of a stretch the way he’s acting at this point. I’m starting to rethink spending the holiday with him and his family, but I’ll probably go, and you know why. I just hope Roddy doesn’t let on to his parents what’s happened. There’s no doubt I’m going to have to move out once we get back to town, but I can take care of that mess in a day or two. If I don’t find an apartment, I can stay with you for a few days, can’t I? You won’t leave me homeless will you? I promise not to even ask unless I run into some trouble finding a decent place. Until then, enjoy the holiday and Ill be in touch.

Portia

22 December 2005

Mom,

Looking forward to seeing you soon. We might be delayed a day. Portia is also looking forward to the visit, though we’ve run into a snag with our travel plans. We’ll probably be a day late, coming Saturday instead of Friday, since it’s Friday now. We’ve run into some trouble that we have to work out but I don’t think it’s going to take too much to do that. If it becomes a bigger problem, I’ll fill you in on the details. Until then, or until we see you, give my best to father.

Merry Christmas and see you soon, Roddy

23 December

Roddy,

Thanks for the note. I hope you get this before you head our way. If there’s anything we can do to help with whatever trouble you’ve run into, let us know and we’ll do what we can. Otherwise, your father and I send out love.

Alexis

12.23.05

Portia,

Roddy wrote his mother and she told me there’s something troubling the two of you. I hope it’s nothing I’ve done. Please let me know. We, I in particular, are looking forward to your arrival.

L-----

L-----,

I appreciate your note. Yes, I have to admit, the troubles Roddy and I are facing are a result of something you’ve, we’ve done. I don’t think I need to go into any great detail about this, certainly not at this point, but it’s really much more about me and the person I am than about you or Roddy and the people you are. We’ll be arriving perhaps about the same time you receive this note. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t let on to anything. While I’ve told Roddy I had spent some time, and that I’d been intimate, with someone else, I didn’t tell him who and I don’t think doing so would be in anyone’s best interest at this point, or any point for that matter, not that I can see.

As you look forward to our arrival, I look forward to spending some time with you,

Portia

12/23/05

My god, you told him? Three days until Christmas and you told him you’d been cheating on him? That’s some cold blood you have there, girl friend. I can’t imagine dropping that bomb on someone this time of year. Usually, I would just suck it up and wait, at least until after Christmas, not so much to see what gift I get, to see if that makes me want to stick around (not!) but to not totally destroy the holiday for him. Show a little compassion if you can. You’re gonna at least going to have to fuck him, and act like you mean it, a time or two more before the year is out. Sympathy fucks can be fun, and you can do pretty much whatever you like with him, whatever you’d been wanting to do, assuming you found the sex boring. Either way, good luck getting through the next few days. I’m sure I’ll be hearing from you soon enough.

Diane

24 December

Diane,

Yes, of course, I told him. I couldn’t keep it a secret any longer. I felt like I was going to burst keeping it from him as we lay together in bed, as I thought about moving out, as I fantasized about fucking someone else when he was screwing me. God, I had to tell him or I would have gone crazy. There’s no two ways about it.

We’re down at his parents house now, getting somewhat ready to celebrate Christmas. I’d already bought Roddy a gift, which I think he’ll like, and which won’t be too weird to open in front of his parents. I have no idea what sort of gift he may have gotten me, but whatever it is, I’ll have to do my best when I open it in front of everyone else. I’ve never found myself, or put myself, in a situation of this sort, having to act like I’m receiving a present from someone I’m acting like I love, while another lover is sitting in the room with us. I wonder what sort of present his parents will give me? Or how much his father will have put into the choice of the gift? I didn’t tell you yet, but I got them a case of wine from a local winery. They drink a lot of wine, get kinda drunk and stupid sometimes, embarrassingly so, but they’ll appreciate it. It’s the kind of gift they appreciate because they think it shows class of some sort. Maybe we’ll open a few of them and get drunk Christmas morning. Wouldn’t that be fun? When I have time, I’ll write more.

Portia