bleckblog: musings of a community college english teacher

For the first time, I think, since the start of the month, I'm where I should be word count wise, if I did my math right: just over 30,000 words. Twelve days and 20 thousand words to go!

Christmas Day, 2005

Justin,

I hope you’re having a good day. I wanted to get in touch earlier, but didn’t have the time. The last time we talked, I think I told you about how I was feeling so good about being with Portia. Well, that’s changed, though I don’t know how much. She told me the other day that she slept with someone else, that she cheated on me, but she wouldn’t tell me who it was. I guess that’s better, but how can I know. It could have been you or anyone, my next door neighbor, someone from work, mine or hers, anyone. At least she was still willing to spend the holiday with me, L----, and Alexis. That way I know she won’t be seeing whoever it is she went out on me with.

I have to tell you, it was like a punch in the gut when she told me. I could tell something was off with her, something odd was going on, but it took awhile until I asked and it took her awhile longer to finally cop to what she had done, what was bothering her. It was one of those time where I asked a question, the answer to which I wasn’t prepared. But fuck, who knows that sort of thing, when they’ll ask their girlfriend, or anyone for that matter, and then get dumped on with such a load. I thought I was being considerate, caring, trying to get to better know her, to help her through something she was having trouble with, and she tells me she’s been seeing, probably screwing, someone else. How the fuck could I know that when I asked? I thought she was bummed about work, or her nut-case mother, something like that, maybe her geek friend Diane, who if she isn’t a lesbian, sure should be. Anyway, Portia just shit all over me in so many ways.

But the weird thing is I don’t want to chase her off because of it. I want her to stay. I want us to stay together. I figure if we can get through this sort of thing, that if she can get over whatever it was that led her to do this, we can be a stronger, better couple, maybe even enough so that we could get married, maybe have kids of our own. I want to be able to look back on this as just a bump in the road of our life together. After Melinda, I don’t think I can handle being dumped again, twice in such a short period of time, twice when I’ve invited them into my life. Mel left me for some guy with money and a job in New York. Will Portia do the same, leave me for some guy with money and a condo in Vail? What more could they want than for me to open myself up, to make myself vulnerable to them, to tell them the truth about myself? What more could I do? To tell you the truth, I have no idea. Anyway, I don’t want to spend too much time away from Portia and the family.

My brother isn’t here. I figured I’d let you know that. He’s still on the outs with my mom and dad, and me too. I still don’t get what his problem is, but it’s something. Anyway, take care and stay in touch.

Roddy

Christmas, 2005

L------,

I hope you all are enjoying your holiday. Grace returned from Vietnam the other day and, as we told you, we’re on our way to Mexico to enjoy some warm weather. I’m sorry that you weren’t interested in joining us, as using this as a place to spend some time together so we could talk things through. But I understand and accept your desire to enjoy your holiday as you wish.

Edward enjoyed the little battery-powered smart car. He loves how it spins circles with its lights flashing and horn honking. The cats didn’t much like it, nor the dogs, but all they had to do was either head up or down the stairs, depending upon where he was playing with it, and they could find some peace for themselves.

I’m sorry the gift we have, maybe I should say “had,” for you didn’t arrive. We bought you something, though I won’t tell you what it is, but we lost it. We can’t find it anywhere in the house. I’m not telling you what it is in case we finally do find it. I do know you’d appreciate it very much in that you’d enjoy having it. But we just have to figure out where we put it. I hope it hasn’t been stolen, but that’s a possibility. It’s not so expensive we’d have to file an insurance claim, but still, it’s driving us bonkers that we can’t figure out where it is.

Give our best to Roddy and Alexis. I’m sorry that we won’t be spending the holiday together. Merry Christmas,

B------

December 26, 2005

Diane,

I did it again. But I’m going to hold off telling you about it. Like I told I would be, I’m with Roddy and we’re visiting his parents. On the drive down he said he was anxious about how things would go, but that he was glad that I would be with him for the holiday, and with his parents, so we, meaning Roddy and myself, could get over, or start to get over, or begin working on getting over, my indiscretions. I feel like a louse, and kinda dirty when I’m sleeping with him and he’s touching me. This is one of those times when I wish his parents were prudes and they had us sleeping in different rooms. That would make it a lot easier, in a lot of ways. But they’re not prudes. And we’re stuck sleeping in the same room, in the same bed. At least it’s a queen, so there’s some room. We’re not jammed in there. But you don’t really care about that, do you?

This is what you want to know: L----- and I did it again. And it was as good as it was the other times. Once again we found ourselves alone. Roddy and his mom went for a walk. I told them I was tired. L---- told them he’d stay and keep me company. This time there wasn’t any pretense about having a glass of wine, about being shy. Once they were out the door, he came to me, took my hand, and walked me into the bedroom. There, he had me sit on the bed and told me to close my eyes. He came back a moment later, took one of my hands, and placed a small package in it. He told me to open my eyes and I did. What I saw was a Christmas wrapped package about six inches long, maybe an inch wide, and not even that deep. He told me to open it, and I did, first pulling the ribbon off, then ripping the paper from one end, sliding the box out. My hands trembled and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Yeah, I was nervous, real nervous.

I didn’t recognize the name on the box, but I could tell it was some jeweler. I hoped it wasn’t something too extravagant, something over the top, maybe a watch, something like that, something I wouldn’t have to hide. But then, why was he giving it to me when we were alone if it was that sort of a gift? Well, it wasn’t that sort of a gift; it was a tennis bracelet, even though I don’t play tennis. Why do they call them tennis bracelets anyway? Never mind. It was diamonds in white gold. I don’t know how many of them, or what size, or any of that, but they’re diamonds set in gold. No wonder he couldn’t give it to me in front of the others. My heart skipped a beat and I lost my breath for a moment. I looked at him. He stood over me, looking to see how I’d react. I hope you like it, he said. How can I not was my answer. I mean, Jesus, what woman wouldn’t like a gift like this? Not me, that’s for sure.

Let me help you put it on, he said. But first, we’ll need to take off your blouse so we can see it against your skin, with nothing in the way. I started to unbutton my blouse, and he began to help. Soon I stopped and let him do it. Once the buttons were all freed, he pulled it back off my shoulders. The cold air hit my chest. I turned my back to him and he undid my bra, then pulled both the bra and my blouse off my arms. The diamonds stood glistening against the light, against my skin. He then put his hands to my breasts and began kissing me and we fell back on the bed. Feeling him against me, I pulled his belt undone, undid his pants, pulled them down and we made love in a way that Roddy and I never have, never could. Feeling him inside me filled me with warmth, with an ecstasy I can’t describe but want more and more.

When we finished, we had to clean up and dress, and I took off the bracelet and put it away. We had about 15 minutes to sit around and cuddle, fully clothed, before Roddy and his mother returned. I’d put the bracelet away, hidden it in my suitcase, buried it beneath my toiletries, thinking it safe there. If Roddy were to have seen it, should he see it, he’ll think it came from the mystery lover, and he’d be right. But if he saw it, he might figure out who gave it to me. Maybe he’d think it was given earlier, but I’m not ready to risk that. Am I a shit for doing this? It’s like I’m bi-polar. With Roddy I’m in the dumps. With L---- I’m on a high, but that too seems to drop off pretty quickly once we have to go back to who we’re supposed to be. I really don’t know how much longer I can do this, but for now, it’s worth it.